One of the beautiful and useful assumptions behind Nonviolent Communication is that people want to contribute to others if they experience it as a free choice. So, as an opposite, when we experience a request as a demand, we are less likely to do what people are requesting, or at least less likely to do it joyfully. Realizing how much demands create disconnection we might try to avoid words like “should”, “should not”, “have to” and “must” and miss that they are representing something that is going on inside of us or another person.
We might miss that our “should” have played a role as motivator and the demands have kept us going as long as we are motivated by something or someone on the outside and think that it is always a good idea to get rid of it.
Making the transition that we strive for in NVC, having inner motivation, we don't want to let the outer motivation go before we have connected with the need behind it. We want to be careful in trying to let go of demands and should because they feel uncomfortable.
There are occasions where demand-words at not used and the person is still making a demand as they will make someone else suffer if they say no. And some people may use a habitual language that makes them sound demanding, but when you say no, they accept and stay in connection. I´m too scared to do this.in believing that he language in itself always reflect the full intention of a person.
And believing this we might try to make a shortcut, to change our language and not work on the intention. But there is a danger in this trying to judge a judgment or “shoulding” a should, as we might throw out the baby with the bathwater. We might not find a way to motivation ourselves as we got rid of the old motivation system before we set up a new.
I´m to scared to do this.
I have no energy, I feel tired
I don't feel the motivation to do this
If you are in pain about what is going in the world and feel powerless in what you can do about it, a should might either make the burden feel even heavier but might also shake your up a bit.. If you manage to work on accepting this inner or outer demand and listen deeply for the longing, the hope, the value behind it you might notice that this holds some power and the motivation will rise.
. As soon as you have anchored yourself deeply in a new kind of intention, there is no need in trying to get rid of demand language as the demand will melt away when you use it as a reminder to connect with your needs to contribute.
Maybe you are in the middle of all this and might need motivation both from the inside and the outside, accepting the should and try to act to create the world you dream of being part of from the needs this might meet.
If you are curious in exploring this and much more - welcome to a training during the last 4 days of April.